Sorry but no fire to report from the Phoenix.

I'm sorry but I got to the Joaquin Phoenix show too late last night. My friend was throwing the party and he said that they shut the doors at midnight as I got there at 12:10 am. The club had way too fucking many spring breakers outside trying to get in. As I stood by the lobby debating my next move, I checked facebook on my Blackberry and noticed that 6 friends mentioned me in their status updates counting on me to be their eyes and ears at the show. I then felt a sense of duty to do my best to get in but more people showed up and then the usual cast of characters in South Beach that always get into these fucking clubs were being denied entrance which only meant that my ass so not getting in. I went back to the lobby bar and ran into some girl that recently stood me up (a week ago) and I walked up to her then grabbed her nose and made a clown honk noise then walked away. I left her in shock and I then decided it was best to go home then let my followers know that I have disappointed them but hoping that they will enjoy the fact that I was in rare enough form to grab someone by the nose and make them look stupid.

I got home thinking that I wouldn't miss much because my friend kept sending me text messages from the club that Mr. Phoenix won't be on stage until much later (or if at all). I feel asleep with peace of mind but woke up at 7 am then checked my e-mail and read that the Phoenix got into a fight with a member in the audience and I knew that I was going to catch so much shit for missing the biggest piece of nonsense of 2009 (so far). I promise next time some oddball celebrity is performing in Miami to chase a pipe dream, I'll make sure to get there early because damnit, people are counting on me to report!